Two things that have taken me a very long time to find the value in.
I'm sure this stems back from when I was a kid. For most of my younger years it was just myself and my young mother. Shit by the time she was the age I am now I was already 5 years old.
Anyway during those younger years I was often left alone while she worked (or slept for that matter, she worked A LOT and weird hours).
Looking back I'm assuming this is where my long discomfort with silence and being alone came from. Even then when by myself at the house (well trailer actually, ha) I'd always have a TV or radio on, ALWAYS. Its like I thought sound would protect me from whatever monsters I could conjure up in my mind based on clank made by a furnace or the wind making the house creak.
Shit come to think of it this is probably how my love of music even started as well. At the core of it I've always said my favorite music makes me feel not so alone both in the world and in experience and perspective.
Back to the topic at hand though up until recently silence has been something I avoided and solitude is something I've always only enjoyed for very short amounts of time.
Of course as a kid I was afraid of monsters but as you grow the monsters don't go away, they just stopping looking like monsters and start looking more like people and situations. They become the things your scared to try at, the things you're afraid to risk, those things you may have not been diligent enough on potentially falling apart. Same shit different name.
Anyway I'm at a point where I've slayed so many of these fucking monsters that anymore I'm simply charging them head on whilst screaming "FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDOOOMMM" a la big papa Mel.
Examples of this are I will often just drive in silence anymore. No radio, no music, nothing. Just quietly drive.
Sometimes my mind is running, sometimes its still, sometimes I sing, sometimes I think out loud (most folks would call say I'm talking to myself), sometimes I just stare at the road and feel what simply sitting and breathing feels like.
Another example is sometimes when I get home and no one else is here I will simply lay on my back ankles crossed with my hands behind my head and stare at the ceiling and let my brain just wonder. This is something that has become one of my most relaxing activities, I'm sure it doesn't hurt that every time I do this its shortly after a work out.
Really my ability to deal with these things came over the past couple months. Basically from mid April up until July I lived completely alone for the first time in my entire life. Marshall Bizzle was here of course and he's probably a big part of my success but no other humans shared my home.
During this time I was able to strictly focus on myself and my own goals both short and long term. I've achieved many of the short term and am working towards a couple big long term goals.
Basically what I'm saying is solitude is good because it can allow you to focus on your own shit for once and get it straight distraction free.
In turn this sets your mind free and generally takes it out of crisis mode and allows you divert your mental energies towards more fruitful things rather than fear.
All I'm saying is perhaps spend some time alone and face this shit inside your head properly so you can deal with whats outside of it properly. Just another step towards being as free as you want to be.
