I'm sitting here by myself at the house.
I'm actually considering sleeping, but part of me wants to stay awake and be introspective.
Funny how different moods can strike seemingly out of nowhere.
Tonight the Hypnic Jerks had a show at Brauerhouse in Lombard. It was a decent time, good company and I usually dig the vibe of that spot.
Tonight for some reason as soon as I got there I just wasn't feeling social at all.
Just not in the mood for surface talk bullshit. I'm finding myself less and less interested in such things as time goes on for the most part.
Lucky for this guy they happened to play first so I did get to leave pretty early which is good.
Currently I'm finding myself in a weird place mentally. Some moments I feel fantastic, energetic, and positive. Than others I'm finding myself soaked in self loathing and little hope in anything really.
I understand these are both aspects of the human condition but its strange to have these types of swings in regards to the same things within very short time periods.
I lately often find myself working towards certain things and making great strides and than ultimately thinking to myself, why?
For what reason am I doing this?
Basically I'm having trouble figuring certain things out.
Pretty much everything I do has 1 of 2 motivators. For me or for others.
I'll admit openly that right now in my life I'm at a very me centric selfish stage. Very focused on all my own shit.
Now the irony I'm finding in this is that all those things I'm working on for me and me only even when I do well the victory feels very fleeting unless shared with others. Getting some excitement from elsewhere.
Its like I always hunger for some sort of external validation as if my own isn't good enough.
Even when I get the validation it is also fleeting. I'm finding myself awkward and incredibly poor at taking kudos and compliments yet requiring them to maintain positivity.
This is another one of those things though, where I flip flop daily.
Sometimes I can stay fueled exclusively on my own drive and feel great about both myself and everything around me even with negativity coming in. Then other times its the opposite. Feeling shitty about things regardless of how much good feedback is coming in.
Perhaps I'm a bit bipolar, I'm not sure.
I do know that some folks bring out the positive side more than others. As in when I'm around certain people I'm simply elevated. These people vary in social group, age, gender, ethnicity, everything. But there is something in their personalities that is consistent. An honest, open, nonjudgmental, loving, positive, genuinely interested in you and your life type. The kind of people that when you succeed and do well are TRULY happy for you, rather than being the type that is happy for you on the surface but internally either doesn't care or is upset to see you doing well when they aren't in the same regards.
I try to fill my life with these people, but it doesn't always work this way.
So until it does I'll continue to try and be more like that myself and try and keep that attitude with me at all times. Thinking and knowing even though someone isn't there physically their footprint on your life is. Your experiences together, your sharing of thoughts, of emotions, your time spent and things gained never really go away.
You can take it with you and play it back whenever you'd like.
I've just got to remember to try and do that more often.
For now I'm still feeling weird and am super tired, goodnight neverland.
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