AKA Marshmellow, Smarsh, Smarshmellow, Marshmole, Buddy, Buds, Stinky, My Boy, Drooly, Handsome, Dowg, Stinky Breathe, Dog Boy, Good Boy, Droopy Face, and many many more that I'm sure I'm forgetting at the moment.
I'll start off by stating the obvious. I miss you buds, greatly.
Coming home tonight was incredibly painful just knowing you wouldn't be here. Standing at the top of the stairs one front paw up shaking your entire butt like it were going outta style. Smiling big of course, ready to pounce and say hello with a lick on the face.
Always happy I'm home, no matter how long it had been. Often times you'd do this even if I had gone outside to move my car. Or if it had been an unfairly long amount of time you never held a grudge, always the most excited you had ever been just that we had be reunited once again.
But of course I didn't get that tonight because you are no longer with us.
Tonight was one of the hardest nights I've ever had. To have to say goodbye to you so suddenly. It was, it is, unbearable.
Sitting in that cold hard room not knowing where you were just waiting for the bad news with the chance of good news becoming slimmer and slimmer with each update.
I can say that I truly knew what was happening when I saw the look on Mr Muerkhe's face when she first came back to tell me she had trouble with your x-rays. She, like anyone who had ever met you, loved you like crazy and I could see it in her held back tears that things weren't going to be good.
Then of course from there we went on our final car ride together, you falcoring your ass off out the passenger window, covering the side of my car with your slobber. Of course while sitting at a stoplight a woman remarked at how handsome you are, as did the woman in the vet just an hour earlier. Oh if we could all only be so striking and charming as you Marshall Bizzle, if only for a day, would know happiness.
From there we had that reluctant walk into the hospital. I wonder now if me forgetting your paperwork in the car was just another chance to prolong what I feared was coming next. I stopped and took a couple photos, after all you're such a handsome boy.
As soon as we got in they took you and put you in a special cage just for you. An oxygen cage so that big barrel chest could get all the air it craved. I'll be honest you looked rather silly in there. The dogboy in the plastic bubble.
I left you in their care, hoping. Barely, but hoping.
Next was more waiting, in a cold hard room. This was the loneliest moment I recall ever experiencing in life. I was out of the comfort and familiarity of our vet, and now trusting you my closest friend and family member to them. I felt so helpless, and I was. As were you. And it turns out as were they really.
This moment my good friend was one of those moments that you're usually there for and cure with such ease. Had you been there you would have simply done your trademark frantic face lick followed the hug/side of head rub that I'll probably miss more than anything about you.
You always knew how to make me feel loved and appreciated when I felt anything but.
Not this time my friend, at least not at this moment.
This moment was mine to soak in while the minutes passed like hours.
Of course eventually the hours did pass and I was left with clear answers. You had cancer and had it quite bad. The mass appeared to even wrap around that big heart of yours. In all honesty I didn't even know the severity of what I was looking at until it was properly explained to me.
Of course I bargained with her, tried to come up with solutions, things that made sense, begging to be told that you're going to be alright. I was never told this of course as we know.
Ultimately I couldn't make the decision alone of course.
I called your mother for the first time in many months and gave to her what was incredibly difficult to deliver news.
She of course rushed over as fast as she could.
I then did my best to explain the situation but I'm no good at understanding or describing such things so I brought her in to speak to the doctor.
I had to go through the whole process again. Like it was fresh and new, looking for a hole. Hoping maybe Brooke would have some sort of idea or plan that perhaps I had missed. Of course as we know this didn't happen.
And thats when the reality really hit. All options were exhausted and we knew it.
At that point I began to inform some friends. And of course with you being such a social creature had folks even come down to see you. You were a band dog for us the entire time so it was only fitting that the rest of the 22s came out to bid farewell to our fifth member.
From there it was back inside for some time with you. You of course could see I was sad and went through your routine multiple times, I'm sure wondering why your trademark tactics weren't working. Trust me boy, they worked great. It was great to see you feeling a bit better than you had the previous days. I'm sure having all that fluid removed was a relief on you. It really does bring a smile to my face to see how happy and upbeat you were, always positive you were.
I of course then got the idea that we go for a walk. Let you sniff anything as long as you'd like and piss on anything you felt like. You're never one to turn down such an offer so off we went. Strange how beautiful of a night it was. This was one of our most peaceful walks yet, sort of reminded me of the one we had just yesterday morning in its peacefulness.
Of course eventually the time came to bring you back in. I could only put this off for so long. Back inside where we spent more time, hugging, crying, licking, playing, shaking, you know all that stuff.
I held your head as you give me some final kisses while I told you how much of a good boy you are and I watched you slip away from behind your own eyes. Your head falling into my lap like it had so many times before. I gave you a hug, expressed my love one last time and reluctantly left the room.
Marshall part of me feels like a piece of my heart has been taken away. In reality I know that our time spent together only added to my heart and that can never be taken away. You taught me much about unconditional love, loyalty, forgiveness, and just being staying positive and happy regardless of situation.
You lived most likely your entire life with this thing growing inside of you. Seeing that today only demonstrated once again how strong you are. I can't believe you managed to be as great as you were with that weighing on you everyday, making everything you do difficult. I will keep this as an inspiration to me everyday.
I look at the calender and I realize in total our time was a mere 2 years, 5 months, and 4 days.
But you and I both know thats a ridiculous measurement. Those 2.5 months when we were here alone I wouldn't have survived without your company. You kept me motivated, strong, happy. You kept me from sinking into a hopeless depression day in and day out. I never asked this of you, not once. You just did it. Just like you picked me when I saw you at the shelter, just like you picked me when your mom and I split up. You were always there for me Marshall. Especially on those lonely nights when I felt like no one else in the world cared if I even existed or not. You were always there.
And for that I thank you and will love you always for because you saved me. I always claimed to have rescued you but the truth is that YOU saved me. For that I am eternally grateful to you.
I love and miss you like crazy already buds. Thank you for everything.
Love always,
Kyle/Dad/God/Woof/Whateversillynicknameyouhadforme
To whom it may concern:
For what its worth I don't subscribe to a belief system that believes in an afterlife or reincarnation or whatever. I wrote this strictly to share my feelings for my own mental health. Please don't say he's "in a better place" or anything like that. He is not in a better place, he is simply out of pain now and for that I am happy for him.
And to anyone who sees this and thinks "he's just a dog." Thats fine to think that. If you stand by that thought then I definitely agree that your dog is JUST a dog. This dog was my best friend, my child, my only family.
If your dog is just a dog thats fine, this dog and I had something special and I think that was observed by anyone who spent more than a few moments with us together. He was and is far more to me than just a dog.
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