The meaning and history of my tattoos: Right Calf, Right Side

This one will be significantly less conflicted than the last.
Nothing but pure love here.

This tattoo is the tattoo I got for my best friend I've ever had on this entire planet, the handsome and always loyal Marshall Bizzle.

Just minutes after our first meeting.

I first met Marshall Bizzle on my birthday in 2009.
At first he scared me. He looked big and mean because I had no previous experience with dogs like that.
But once I took a moment to really look at him he instantly showed me who he really was.

I had been visiting the animal rescue for months just looking for the "right" dog. The right dog I had thought was a 3+ yr old female husky or golden.
But on May 9th 2009 that all changed.
I was charmed by my friend Marshall. He had already been named (the county from which he had come) and Marshall had long been my favorite amplifier company, which if you know me thats saying something.

The reason I chose Marshall is simple, I didn't.
He chose me.
Marshall had only been in the rescue for a whopping 14 minutes when I met him (I still remember clearly checking the time on my phone before walking in at 10:59 am, they opened at 11).
I started this day differently by walking around the outside of the cages first. On my first view of my friend he actually scared and intimidated me by running out and jumping on the cage. I'll never forget the first sight of those enormous nipples of his haha.
When he really charmed me though is when I walked into the main walk way in the rescue.

This will always be one of my favorites.

It was opening time so all the dogs were going nuts. Barking, jumping, scratching, all of them except one.
Marshall sat in his new home (of which he had only been in for 15 minutes if you'll recall) calm and with that perfect almost military like posture.
Just looking out curiously, majestically.
This was the point he truly caught my attention.
I looked over, kneeled slightly and said "well aren't you a good boy."
His only response to this was to adorably rest that big cute face of his on the cross bar of his cage and look up at me with those big brown eyes that could cut right through me.

That was it.
With that one look I'll never forget I was done.
He had chosen me and in reality all that was left was time before he came home with me(he needed shots, a behavior test, to be neutered, etc).

I picked him a couple days later directly from the vet. He seemed to be in good spirits for someone who had just had his balls removed.
After that the rest is history. We became fast friends and only became more inseparable with time.
My blog from the night I lost Marshall is probably the best possible descriptor of our time after that.
You can read that here: An Open Letter to Marshall Bizzle

Our last moments together.

What the above blog didn't mention was what happened after that night.
I was a wreck. I literally didn't go to work for days and cried for more of those days than I'd care to admit. If it weren't for all my incredibly supportive friends I wouldn't have so easily made it through that time. Thanks again to all of you, you are incredible gifts and I'll never forget that. There was also a song that very seriously helped me through that, more on that later.

Now most don't know this but for whatever reason Marshall had the tendency to always be by my right side specifically. I don't know why but for whatever reason he just seemed to prefer it there.
This is the reason for the location of the tattoo. To take such an extreme negative and turn it into a positive. To always have my friend at my side, my right side, right where he belongs.
Its a tribute, a memory, a reminder of what was and what should be.
All those things that a tattoo should represent.

This tattoo turned something that made me cry into something that makes me smile, and if that isn't reason enough for something like this I don't know what is.

By Kyle Berg @ The Constable Tattoo

The meaning and history of my tattoos: My back, my first

This one has been with my the longest and was the one to pop my cherry.
I got this at Tomato Tattoo in Lisle, IL by Jason (have no idea if he's still there or what his last name is honestly).

The content is from A Wilhelm Scream's 2005 album Ruiner.

First lets get the (slightly) embarrassing part of this tattoo out of the way right now. While this tattoo is directly derived from said album cover I got it at the same time as my girlfriend from the same era got a smaller female version of it going the opposite direction.

Allow me give the full back story before judging me on this fact.
First I got into this band and this album in 2006 or 2007 sometime. I can't recall specifics but I can tell you that it REALLY hit home for me in 2007.

It was one of those years. One of those REALLY REALLY hard years.
And it was truly all my fault despite whatever things that piled on that were out of my control.
Regardless I found refuge in Ruiner.
It was one of those records that just fell into my lap at just the right time. It was one of those things that just showed me I was not alone in my feelings, and when things are tough thats really all you need sometimes to make it through.
To avoid beating this into the ground this album really became a part of the soundtrack of my life and really helped me emotionally survive an era that might have otherwise left me as one of those eternally cynical shit heads that I so loathe.

During this emotionally weak era I met and fell in love with the before referenced girlfriend (Brooke).
While it would be easy for me to retroactively speak negatively on her, at the time she was exactly the right person I needed at exactly the right time. Everything clicked in just the right ways.
I was hesitant to rush into saying so at the time but the reality is she turned out to be the second person I ever loved. Looking back now I find it strange that I could love that person however at the time it was exactly right.
Her story at the time while very different felt very relatable in its core.
Just another lost soul struggling alone trying to deal with the problems and backlash to which she ultimately could only blame herself as the cause despite all the additional piling on.
Anyway I shared with her the album that helped save me and it clicked with her just like it did for me. This band that I so loved quickly became a shared love which included multiple shows and times where we not only met but partied with the band.

I think it was in this shared struggle we truly related and initially connected on. Beyond that I'll refrain from commenting on our relationship as I have trouble seeing the later parts of it from any eyes other than my current pair.

Anyway this relationship continued rather happily for two years. During that time I had thrown out the idea of getting the Ruiner cover tattooed on myself and that idea evolved eventually into what we got together. Two individuals running towards one another, from the problems that had themselves caused through a single act of emotion. (the comic included in the record includes the protagonist putting a brick through a birds nest, which is why they are chasing/attacking him as he flees)

The real connector lyrics from the record for the pair of us being from the song "The Kids Can Eat a Bag of Dicks."

The sudden sight of mirrors brought the hero's demise.
Hey operator, stop acting civilized.
I want to be you.
And the ones to resurrect sex and death bought the copyright.
They ate shit on the record.
Did you get the mix right?
Not quite.
I want to be you.
With a graceful fall did you waste it all?
I found a way for the rest of you.
I missed me too.
Tell me that I'm not so weak.
Tell me that I'm not alone.
Fuck me if it pours, you're not built for this.
But it's not raining is it?
I want to be you.
And we've got the rest of our lives to be our fathers.
What a dream to wet the eyes!
I want to be you.
With a graceful fall did you waste it all?
I found a way for the rest of you.
I missed me too.
Tell me that I'm not so weak.
Tell me that I'm not alone.
Do I hear you crawling on your back?
Do I hear you folding up to fear?
Brave you, I missed me too.
We are all we have.

The bolded being the parts we(I) hung onto.

Anyway thats all the WHY going into it.
So we decided for our 2 year anniversary we wanted to commemorate our meeting and connection by getting this together.
Now some(most) folks may find this foolish, and I wouldn't disagree with them.
However you have to keep in mind I'm not foolish and am pragmatic to a fault at times, this was no exception.

This is why I didn't want to get the additional text she suggested (splitting some of the lyrics above among the two of us) and I wanted something that would mean something to me forever regardless of our relationship. I did however keep the idea open for the future if this relationship had continued on its current course.

As of now years later to me this tattoo stands as a reminder of three different eras really.
My time alone as that individual struggling, dealing, and finding peace in that record.
The time I had as someone with a person to take cover with and bear the weight of our individual problems and battle our shared problems with.
And now and forever the person who continued on after unfaltered by the previous failings.

I knew what was getting myself into when I got this piece originally which is why I chose something that'd mean something to me forever, even if its just a time marker.

I still love the tattoo and regret nothing.

My fitness kick - Why, When, and How - Part 3

I decided some time ago to delay this post until I hit my goal of a solid year of resistance training.
Well that goal is hit as well as the physical goals I was trying to achieve during that time frame. (more on that to come)

This past year has been an interesting one to say the least. I've really progressed as a person and made some of the biggest leaps in the development of my character that I ever have.
I've still got a ways to go before I truly end up where I'd like to be but lifes a journey not a destination right?

Anyway before I get to the physical goals I want to cover what was basically THE goal when I started this, my health. I started eating better and exercising because of my anemia. Now while I had definitely felt better I didn't have confirmation until earlier this year that I was actually fixing anything.

I won't get into specifics but all my numbers on my blood came back AWESOME. I had literally fixed everything all through self education and consistent hard work.
Now I can't really describe how awesome this personal victory felt. It was really a profound feeling being fully reinforced and somehow vindicated.
I mean I thought I knew what I was doing and doing what I should to fix my problems but theres always that sense of doubt there until you have a test proving what you think you know.
Hard, tangible, scientific evidence telling you that you aren't full of shit.
Like I said an awesome victory was had and I felt fucking great, this was early February.

Now at this point I was on top of the world and unstoppable in my health and fitness goals.
So I started my next task which was also a final push towards my one year goals.
I started Kris Gethin's 12 Week Trainer in late February.

Now I'll be honest this was one of the hardest things I've ever undertaken in my life. I faced many challenges but none so unrelenting.
The hardest part was definitely diet. I followed his plan pretty strictly with almost zero lapses.
The two worst parts of the diet was no alcohol and how there are almost no fats (only fat intake was from the meats I was eating).
Honestly it wasn't the alcohol or drinking itself I missed that much it was the social ostracization. Because I was no longer drinking many people simply stopped inviting me out or talking to me all together. I got a lot of crap from long time friends for my choice. This was really disheartening and frustrating. You find out who your friends really are in times like that. To those who supported me during this, thank you I'll never forget that. Enough of that though lets talk about how lack of fat sucks.

The part that makes the lack of fat hard is that your mind really relies on fat. I feel like the lack of fat really put me on my C game mentally. I also became quite irritable. I did my best to focus and not be short with people but often times my best wasn't good enough.

While the eating and liftstyle switch was the hardest the exercise was no walk in the park. Kris throws some seriously tough workouts at you. I came very near vomiting on more than one occasion. Add to that the 20-30 min of cardio TWICE every single day and you've got a tough program.
I knew it was tough going in but the reality of facing that toughness daily really showed me what I was made of, and to be honest I was proud of myself. I always managed to work my diet and routine around whatever life threw at me and persevere.

Well by the end of it I had triumphed, instead of talking about the results I'll just show you.
Before (Late February):

After (Early May):

The numbers tell no lies either. Started at 173 and 13.8% bodyfat and ended at 161 and 6.8% bodyfat.
During the first 10 weeks all my lifts went up too (they plateaued after that but never went down).

Since these photos I've progressed more and have set new goals but I'll have to save that for next time as its getting to be past my bed time (proper sleep is huge for health and proper recovery!).

My fitness kick - Why, When, and How - Part 2

I last left off in June of 2011 with my running and working out at home.
In July I went and got myself a membership to Xsport fitness.
In retrospect this is one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself EVER.
Now I should state now when I started I decided this was a lifestyle change. Not something I was gonna try and quit. I was going to change how I lived my life.
I promised myself 1 year straight of giving 110%.
This was simply to not make the task feel so daunting but also to make myself a promise I felt I could and had to keep.

I'll be honest doing this intimated the HELL out of me.
I was skinny nerd and had always been skinny nerd.
Never in my life did I expect to be the kind of guy who lifts weights yet here I was signing up for a gym and researching beginner routines.
My first visits were the scariest. Of course I had relatively little clue as to what I was doing despite my extensive research and reading
Like anyone who is doing something new where they don't feel they belonged I was very self conscious and assumed everyone was looking at me, judging.
I persisted regardless of these anxieties and eventually the gym became like a second home to me. . Slowly but steadily I figured everything out.
I developed tunnel vision that started as soon as I walked through that door.
Straight to the locker room to change. And as soon as I was changed my headphones were in, my gloves were on, and I entered the fucking zone.
Very clearly and exclusively focused on myself and my own goals. Everyone and everything around me was now nothing more than a backdrop.
This would last for awhile and is what really got me through this difficult period.
Being able to focus on my own thing and block out what I perceived to be judgements of others really helped me excel.
Over the first few months I really ironed out my form and got my base numbers going and quickly rising.
That was mostly the physical side of things though.

What I truly ultimately gained was something quite different and once again quite unexpected.
Lifting has become almost like a spiritual experience for me.
There is no simpler struggle to be had. Life's problems are complex and can be all different kinds of difficult.
Lifting is the most simple and basic form of problem or struggle. There is simply you, where the weight is, and where you need to make it go. You will be put in your place if you try to bite off more than you can chew. If working as hard as you should you will regularly be brought to your limits and fail. This is one place where failure is the GOAL. Going as hard as you can until you simply CAN'T anymore. Its helped me not only to find my personal limits but taught me how to push through and persevere once I actually get there.
What I also enjoy about it is it is a natural system.
You can't lie, you can't cheat, you can't bend the rules. If you slack or miss days it shows. If you stay disciplined and work hard you get rewarded.
Simple as that.

Throughout this time I tightened up my diet gradually but overall quite drastically.
The amount I drank was cut to the lowest it had been probably since I started drinking in high school. My diet slowly became more similar to that of a bodybuilder than your average person. Lots and lots of lean protein, complex carbs, and good fats. (I'll get into specifics on that in a later entry)
I also really started hitting the supplementation. Protein shakes, multivitamins, and fish oil are where I started.
This eventually progressed into more complex and additional supplementation to address specific individual needs.

All of these things progressed naturally as one would expect.
I learned from reading, through my own trial and error, and from the experiences of others.
One lesson I learned was that too much fruit can make you FAT.
Surprising isn't it?
I definitely didn't see that one coming but once I pinpointed the problem all I did was decrease my massive fruit intake and the fat faded away again.

After getting all these ducks in a row I started seeing great gains regularly.
As of this day 2/11/2012 I have gained 22.5 lbs of mostly all muscle from the time I started in July 2011. This is barely over 7 months of time and the difference I've seen is rather amazing.
Every single number has gone up on every lift. I'm talking about both reps and weight.
Some of my numbers have even doubled. For example when I first started I was doing 20 lb dumbbells for hammer curls, now I use 40s.
Some exercises I couldn't even do when starting I can now do in great number.
Dips and pull ups are great examples of this, when first starting I used the weight assist for these while today I just ordered a weight belt to ADD weight since my body weight has become too easy for these exercises.

But enough talk, here are a couple recent pics to see my progress.

My arms have gotten pretty damn large for my body size.




FINALLY starting developing a chest after months of work at it.


Thats it for now, I'll continue with part three very soon which will be a wrap up of my recent blood tests, the motivation I've gotten from those around me, and what the future holds.

My fitness kick - Why, When, and How - Part 1

This is something I've been meaning to address for a bit actually and had yet to tackle.

As with any tale its always best to start from the beginning right?
Well this one starts as many big changes for the better do, with an unexpected change for the worse.

It was January of 2011 and I had been feeling quite fatigued and almost constantly tired for a very long time.
A drastic change in my personal life gave me the kick I needed to go ahead and see a doctor finally.
A month or two of various tests and it turns out I have a rare type of anemia and also an iron deficiency caused by said anemia.

Now what does this mean in terms of symptoms?
Fatigue and weak immune system.

At first this news left me feeling a bit powerless and only worsened my state.
Its like having a doctor tell me what I felt was real made it excusable to me.
They like any good drug dealer of course wanted to put me on meds.
If you know me you know I don't really like to fuck with dumping drugs and chemicals into my body.
I passed on the meds and wallowed in self pity for a couple months.
Like I said during this time there were some drastic changes in my personal life and I was feeling overall quite depressed.

Now I'd like to say that what happened next was fast and an epiphany of some sort but in truth it wasn't.
One day I just decided I was sick of feeling the way I did and I figured I'd try to fix everything with a bit of exercise and a diet that would help promote better blood health.
I started running in April and added in some P90X stuff and basic exercises as well (push ups, sit ups, stuff like that).
Much to my surprise I started to feel GREAT.
What really made me hooked more than my body feeling physically better was the emotional and mental benefits.

Now I've heard many folks talk about exercise as a cure for depression but I was rather skeptical.
Well I was now most definitely a fucking believer. I couldn't believe the stress relief and the just general happiness this brought me. Its indescribable really.
I became hooked. It became such a release and so empowering in every way. Like I had broken self imposed chains of lethargy and self loathing.
Now I'd like to say it was easy to start but it wasn't. Habits are hard to form especially physically demanding ones.
Luckily I caught the addiction quickly and I simply HAD to run 5 days a week or more.
During this time I had many ups and downs. Periods where shin splints and brutal knee pain really threatened to slow down or halt my progress.
But I persisted through and used all the resources at my disposal to learn and prevent these problems.

Now after awhile of doing this some unplanned side effects did occur. My body really began to change.
My waist went down from 32-34" to 28-30".
My weight dropped from 168 lbs down to 150 lbs.
I began to look BETTER than I ever had physically.

Here is a pics from that time.

This was June of 2011.
Where I went from this point will be covered in Part 2.

An Open Letter to Marshall Bizzle

Dear Marshall

AKA Marshmellow, Smarsh, Smarshmellow, Marshmole, Buddy, Buds, Stinky, My Boy, Drooly, Handsome, Dowg, Stinky Breathe, Dog Boy, Good Boy, Droopy Face, and many many more that I'm sure I'm forgetting at the moment.

I'll start off by stating the obvious. I miss you buds, greatly.

Coming home tonight was incredibly painful just knowing you wouldn't be here. Standing at the top of the stairs one front paw up shaking your entire butt like it were going outta style. Smiling big of course, ready to pounce and say hello with a lick on the face.

Always happy I'm home, no matter how long it had been. Often times you'd do this even if I had gone outside to move my car. Or if it had been an unfairly long amount of time you never held a grudge, always the most excited you had ever been just that we had be reunited once again.

But of course I didn't get that tonight because you are no longer with us.

Tonight was one of the hardest nights I've ever had. To have to say goodbye to you so suddenly. It was, it is, unbearable.

Sitting in that cold hard room not knowing where you were just waiting for the bad news with the chance of good news becoming slimmer and slimmer with each update.

I can say that I truly knew what was happening when I saw the look on Mr Muerkhe's face when she first came back to tell me she had trouble with your x-rays. She, like anyone who had ever met you, loved you like crazy and I could see it in her held back tears that things weren't going to be good.

Then of course from there we went on our final car ride together, you falcoring your ass off out the passenger window, covering the side of my car with your slobber. Of course while sitting at a stoplight a woman remarked at how handsome you are, as did the woman in the vet just an hour earlier. Oh if we could all only be so striking and charming as you Marshall Bizzle, if only for a day, would know happiness.

From there we had that reluctant walk into the hospital. I wonder now if me forgetting your paperwork in the car was just another chance to prolong what I feared was coming next. I stopped and took a couple photos, after all you're such a handsome boy.

As soon as we got in they took you and put you in a special cage just for you. An oxygen cage so that big barrel chest could get all the air it craved. I'll be honest you looked rather silly in there. The dogboy in the plastic bubble.

I left you in their care, hoping. Barely, but hoping.

Next was more waiting, in a cold hard room. This was the loneliest moment I recall ever experiencing in life. I was out of the comfort and familiarity of our vet, and now trusting you my closest friend and family member to them. I felt so helpless, and I was. As were you. And it turns out as were they really.

This moment my good friend was one of those moments that you're usually there for and cure with such ease. Had you been there you would have simply done your trademark frantic face lick followed the hug/side of head rub that I'll probably miss more than anything about you.

You always knew how to make me feel loved and appreciated when I felt anything but.

Not this time my friend, at least not at this moment.

This moment was mine to soak in while the minutes passed like hours.

Of course eventually the hours did pass and I was left with clear answers. You had cancer and had it quite bad. The mass appeared to even wrap around that big heart of yours. In all honesty I didn't even know the severity of what I was looking at until it was properly explained to me.

Of course I bargained with her, tried to come up with solutions, things that made sense, begging to be told that you're going to be alright. I was never told this of course as we know.

Ultimately I couldn't make the decision alone of course.

I called your mother for the first time in many months and gave to her what was incredibly difficult to deliver news.

She of course rushed over as fast as she could.

I then did my best to explain the situation but I'm no good at understanding or describing such things so I brought her in to speak to the doctor.

I had to go through the whole process again. Like it was fresh and new, looking for a hole. Hoping maybe Brooke would have some sort of idea or plan that perhaps I had missed. Of course as we know this didn't happen.

And thats when the reality really hit. All options were exhausted and we knew it.

At that point I began to inform some friends. And of course with you being such a social creature had folks even come down to see you. You were a band dog for us the entire time so it was only fitting that the rest of the 22s came out to bid farewell to our fifth member.

From there it was back inside for some time with you. You of course could see I was sad and went through your routine multiple times, I'm sure wondering why your trademark tactics weren't working. Trust me boy, they worked great. It was great to see you feeling a bit better than you had the previous days. I'm sure having all that fluid removed was a relief on you. It really does bring a smile to my face to see how happy and upbeat you were, always positive you were.

I of course then got the idea that we go for a walk. Let you sniff anything as long as you'd like and piss on anything you felt like. You're never one to turn down such an offer so off we went. Strange how beautiful of a night it was. This was one of our most peaceful walks yet, sort of reminded me of the one we had just yesterday morning in its peacefulness.

Of course eventually the time came to bring you back in. I could only put this off for so long. Back inside where we spent more time, hugging, crying, licking, playing, shaking, you know all that stuff.

I held your head as you give me some final kisses while I told you how much of a good boy you are and I watched you slip away from behind your own eyes. Your head falling into my lap like it had so many times before. I gave you a hug, expressed my love one last time and reluctantly left the room.

Marshall part of me feels like a piece of my heart has been taken away. In reality I know that our time spent together only added to my heart and that can never be taken away. You taught me much about unconditional love, loyalty, forgiveness, and just being staying positive and happy regardless of situation.

You lived most likely your entire life with this thing growing inside of you. Seeing that today only demonstrated once again how strong you are. I can't believe you managed to be as great as you were with that weighing on you everyday, making everything you do difficult. I will keep this as an inspiration to me everyday.

I look at the calender and I realize in total our time was a mere 2 years, 5 months, and 4 days.

But you and I both know thats a ridiculous measurement. Those 2.5 months when we were here alone I wouldn't have survived without your company. You kept me motivated, strong, happy. You kept me from sinking into a hopeless depression day in and day out. I never asked this of you, not once. You just did it. Just like you picked me when I saw you at the shelter, just like you picked me when your mom and I split up. You were always there for me Marshall. Especially on those lonely nights when I felt like no one else in the world cared if I even existed or not. You were always there.

And for that I thank you and will love you always for because you saved me. I always claimed to have rescued you but the truth is that YOU saved me. For that I am eternally grateful to you.

I love and miss you like crazy already buds. Thank you for everything.

Love always,

Kyle/Dad/God/Woof/Whateversillynicknameyouhadforme

To whom it may concern:

For what its worth I don't subscribe to a belief system that believes in an afterlife or reincarnation or whatever. I wrote this strictly to share my feelings for my own mental health. Please don't say he's "in a better place" or anything like that. He is not in a better place, he is simply out of pain now and for that I am happy for him.

And to anyone who sees this and thinks "he's just a dog." Thats fine to think that. If you stand by that thought then I definitely agree that your dog is JUST a dog. This dog was my best friend, my child, my only family.

If your dog is just a dog thats fine, this dog and I had something special and I think that was observed by anyone who spent more than a few moments with us together. He was and is far more to me than just a dog.

Its Saturday night on a 3 day weekend and

I'm sitting here by myself at the house.
I'm actually considering sleeping, but part of me wants to stay awake and be introspective.
Funny how different moods can strike seemingly out of nowhere.
Tonight the Hypnic Jerks had a show at Brauerhouse in Lombard. It was a decent time, good company and I usually dig the vibe of that spot.
Tonight for some reason as soon as I got there I just wasn't feeling social at all.
Just not in the mood for surface talk bullshit. I'm finding myself less and less interested in such things as time goes on for the most part.
Lucky for this guy they happened to play first so I did get to leave pretty early which is good.

Currently I'm finding myself in a weird place mentally. Some moments I feel fantastic, energetic, and positive. Than others I'm finding myself soaked in self loathing and little hope in anything really.
I understand these are both aspects of the human condition but its strange to have these types of swings in regards to the same things within very short time periods.
I lately often find myself working towards certain things and making great strides and than ultimately thinking to myself, why?
For what reason am I doing this?
Basically I'm having trouble figuring certain things out.
Pretty much everything I do has 1 of 2 motivators. For me or for others.
I'll admit openly that right now in my life I'm at a very me centric selfish stage. Very focused on all my own shit.
Now the irony I'm finding in this is that all those things I'm working on for me and me only even when I do well the victory feels very fleeting unless shared with others. Getting some excitement from elsewhere.
Its like I always hunger for some sort of external validation as if my own isn't good enough.
Even when I get the validation it is also fleeting. I'm finding myself awkward and incredibly poor at taking kudos and compliments yet requiring them to maintain positivity.
This is another one of those things though, where I flip flop daily.
Sometimes I can stay fueled exclusively on my own drive and feel great about both myself and everything around me even with negativity coming in. Then other times its the opposite. Feeling shitty about things regardless of how much good feedback is coming in.
Perhaps I'm a bit bipolar, I'm not sure.
I do know that some folks bring out the positive side more than others. As in when I'm around certain people I'm simply elevated. These people vary in social group, age, gender, ethnicity, everything. But there is something in their personalities that is consistent. An honest, open, nonjudgmental, loving, positive, genuinely interested in you and your life type. The kind of people that when you succeed and do well are TRULY happy for you, rather than being the type that is happy for you on the surface but internally either doesn't care or is upset to see you doing well when they aren't in the same regards.
I try to fill my life with these people, but it doesn't always work this way.
So until it does I'll continue to try and be more like that myself and try and keep that attitude with me at all times. Thinking and knowing even though someone isn't there physically their footprint on your life is. Your experiences together, your sharing of thoughts, of emotions, your time spent and things gained never really go away.
You can take it with you and play it back whenever you'd like.

I've just got to remember to try and do that more often.
For now I'm still feeling weird and am super tired, goodnight neverland.

Silence and Solitude.

Two things that have taken me a very long time to find the value in.

I'm sure this stems back from when I was a kid. For most of my younger years it was just myself and my young mother. Shit by the time she was the age I am now I was already 5 years old.
Anyway during those younger years I was often left alone while she worked (or slept for that matter, she worked A LOT and weird hours).
Looking back I'm assuming this is where my long discomfort with silence and being alone came from. Even then when by myself at the house (well trailer actually, ha) I'd always have a TV or radio on, ALWAYS. Its like I thought sound would protect me from whatever monsters I could conjure up in my mind based on clank made by a furnace or the wind making the house creak.
Shit come to think of it this is probably how my love of music even started as well. At the core of it I've always said my favorite music makes me feel not so alone both in the world and in experience and perspective.

Back to the topic at hand though up until recently silence has been something I avoided and solitude is something I've always only enjoyed for very short amounts of time.
Of course as a kid I was afraid of monsters but as you grow the monsters don't go away, they just stopping looking like monsters and start looking more like people and situations. They become the things your scared to try at, the things you're afraid to risk, those things you may have not been diligent enough on potentially falling apart. Same shit different name.

Anyway I'm at a point where I've slayed so many of these fucking monsters that anymore I'm simply charging them head on whilst screaming "FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDOOOMMM" a la big papa Mel.
Examples of this are I will often just drive in silence anymore. No radio, no music, nothing. Just quietly drive.
Sometimes my mind is running, sometimes its still, sometimes I sing, sometimes I think out loud (most folks would call say I'm talking to myself), sometimes I just stare at the road and feel what simply sitting and breathing feels like.
Another example is sometimes when I get home and no one else is here I will simply lay on my back ankles crossed with my hands behind my head and stare at the ceiling and let my brain just wonder. This is something that has become one of my most relaxing activities, I'm sure it doesn't hurt that every time I do this its shortly after a work out.

Really my ability to deal with these things came over the past couple months. Basically from mid April up until July I lived completely alone for the first time in my entire life. Marshall Bizzle was here of course and he's probably a big part of my success but no other humans shared my home.
During this time I was able to strictly focus on myself and my own goals both short and long term. I've achieved many of the short term and am working towards a couple big long term goals.
Basically what I'm saying is solitude is good because it can allow you to focus on your own shit for once and get it straight distraction free.
In turn this sets your mind free and generally takes it out of crisis mode and allows you divert your mental energies towards more fruitful things rather than fear.

All I'm saying is perhaps spend some time alone and face this shit inside your head properly so you can deal with whats outside of it properly. Just another step towards being as free as you want to be.

File Under Bullshit

Well its been quite some time since I touched this thing.
I started it with the intention of sort of getting back into the swing of doing such things regularly and it just didn't happen.

Well here I sit in a very different place from then so I figure why not give it a shot again?

For this one I figured I'll start with just where I'm at right now.
Just recently celebrated my 27th birthday.
I'm playing guitar in The Roaring .22s and 5 string bass in the recently formed metal band The Facilitators.
I work at company called Fusion Systems (just hit 1 yr there actually). I go back and forth on my opinion of this place, we'll see how it goes.

In late December my longest relationship to date came to an end. Thats a strange thing as a whole really. While it was coming to a close I fought it like crazy and seemed like the worst thing ever. Now that it actually IS over and I never see her anymore I am very happy about it. I've been able to go back into things I love and reorganize my life in my own way without someone else's priorities.
Which has been particularly grand in itself as I've taken up some great habits. I've gone back to cooking regularly and its been great. I've started running again. I actually put down over 15 miles this week, I'm quite proud of myself on this one. I've cut back massively on my beer intake, I still party on the weekends but I maybe have a couple beers throughout the rest of the week.
My guitar playing and singing efforts have easily doubled or tripled as of late. I love it. I've been doing a lot of writing, still getting comfortable in my own skin in certain regards but its a good kind of challenge. A pic I took after doing some writing yesterday cuz the image made me happy.






































Best part of the end of said relationship is that I got to keep my dog Marshall Bizzle. When we first broke up I remember saying I think to my friend Pat that if she wanted to leave thats fine but my biggest concern was Marshall staying with me. He did a great job at showing who he wanted to stay with and who he preferred. I do sort of feel bad for her in that regard, but like I've said from the beginning Marshall has a great bullshit detector. Luckily she accepted that and didn't really fight me about him staying with me.
So far I think Marshall has really enjoyed it being just me and him actually, he could definitely sense the tension and negativity.
We go on a lot of long walks, do a lot of playing, and I've started bringing him to band practices which I think he likes. I've also been fixing some of his behavior issues since its only me and its easier to be consistent with him.
Heres a pic of us from a recent trip to the park.






































It is strange though, I'm still in the same house as I've been the past 2 years but I'm now in it alone. I thought I was gonna hate it and be lonely but I've actually come to love it. I can do whatever I want whenever I want.
Hang out naked and play rockband? Sure.
Play guitar while singing at the top of my lungs at 7am on a Saturday? Fuck yeah.

The one thing about the post break up thing that has bothered me though is all these things I didn't know that have come out from friends. I really wish I would have known this shit a year or more ago so I could have quit wasting my time. I understand why folks wouldn't or couldn't say these things to me, I just hope next time they do anyway regardless of the immediate consequences because long term its definitely for the better.

Anyway thats all I'm feeling up to writing about today, this will continue to evolve slowly I'm sure as I've got a lot in my head that will be useful to get out.

Basement Rockstars and Wal-Mart Professionals

I wrote a good portion of music before I started thinking about lyrics.
So then I thought to find lyrics, what does this song make me feel and think about.
Then I started a bunch of lyrical ideas, then finished writing the song, then thought of more lyrical ideas, and then finished putting it all together.
It does have a specific meaning to me, however its meant to be open and hopefully applicable to many things depending on the listener.

Its probably not done yet either as I'm not 100% happy lyrically but its close.


Basement Rockstars and Wal-Mart Professionals

Its weighing on me now
Everything we've lost has now been found
Buts its not the same
These charred remains of bridges
These thoughts that make me livid
Holding back more flames

I wonder how much can we take
Before this cracks in two and breaks
When it all comes crashing down
Will we swim or will we drown?

Its no err
We're now strange

Yes I left you for dead
My only regret is that you made it out alive
I'd rather see us dead, than alive together
In sun or stormy weather
No I won't turn back

And today I'd like to shake
The hands of my worst enemies
And wave goodbye to old friends
Our times come to an end


We've got to raze it up
We've got to raze it up
We've got to raze it up
We've got to raze it up

Public Proclamation of Long Term Plans

Steps are as follows:

1) Some sort of music success be it large or small, I've been doing this too long. Be it on the heals of some shitty acoustic ballad or something I actually dig, I'm going to make this happen.

2) Ride out that for awhile and then get and save whatever money I can.

3) Get an education brewing on an industrial level, get Brooke somewhat formally educated in cooking.

4) Open Marshall's Brewpub and Italian Eatery with Brooke. (which will have a section that can double as a small venue for local music)

5) Enjoy making beer, eating brooke's food, playing music, and life in general.


Short, simple, with a lot of wiggle room while still having a clean plan.
It will happen.

My Theory on Deja Vu

I'll keep it short and sweet, because its rather simple.

People have on average 36 dreams per night. This is 13,140 dreams per year.
All of these dreams are just assembled from random information laying around in your brain.

My theory is that Deja Vu is simply the subconscious recollection of a dream or part of a dream that has distinct similarities to whatever the situation you are experiencing.

Odds are that you'll come up with very realistic dreams, and simply due to quantity of dreams its likely that you'd come up with situations you have yet to experience but are likely to happen.

So thats it: Deja Vu = your brain finding similarities between dreams of your past and your present moment

It could be right, it could be bullshit, I don't care. It makes sense to me.

Filthy Humans

To be human is to struggle between being a beast and being a deity.
Of course it is much easier and immediately fulfilling to be beast-like, but it will always leave you feeling empty eventually.
Being more god-like however is rarely immediately fulfilling and takes a special something to appreciate and receive rewards from.

For me I'll mostly likely stay here in the middle, enjoying the fruits with the beasts while conversing and dreaming with the gods.

Because without that, it wouldn't be a struggle, and then what would the point be?

Job Job Job, Job Job Job-a-ran

Maybe going to an interview today.
Haven't decided since the place has already filled all the higher up positions and only has the low paid positions left. The lower paid positions only pay $9.50 an hour, no fucking way would I take that kind of a cut no matter how much I hate my current job.
I have an interview after work tomorrow as well.

Other shit:
The band is going well, we're writing a bunch of stuff and its a lot different than the previous things.

Brooke started a food blog which is cool and very exciting.
She also dyed her hair this real dark red color. Would. (did/does/will)

Tonight is beer bottling night with Mr Armbruster. Looking forward to that.

We are potentially adopting a dog named Lucy. She's about the same age as Marshall but she's a white american bulldog/boxer mix. I'm quite excited to see what happens with her because her personality description sounds just like Marshalls.

Anyway thats pretty much everything thats going on in my life right now.
I'll post again soon I'm sure.

More news on the job front

I applied for a ton of jobs today (felt like 50, was probably 30).
Using as many outlets as possible.

I haven't gotten any return emails or anything yet but I'm hopeful.
I was smart enough to use my gmail instead of work email this time so I can check these things outside of work.

In other news, I am going to attempt to grow up and not be so selfish.

That is all.

Jobby Job Jobs

Today on December 1st 09, I've been at my job for about 2.6 years now.
Its yielded quite a bit of knowledge and experience, but little to no real benefits otherwise.
As far as money goes, I didn't start making very much. I then got a few raises along with more responsibilities. Eventually I felt my pay to responsibility ratio was way off so I threatened to quit on a day I was rather upset at how things were going.
I then got a 10% or 15% raise. I don't remember for sure.
I think I got a pretty decent bonus that year too.
July of this year I was lucky enough to get a 10% pay cut due to poor sales (the company as whole got this, this wasn't' specific to my job at all).

While I have been applying to jobs the past few months, today I've been blitzing multiple websites and throwing my resume around as much as possible.

I am about to return a call from a place I applied to only a couple hours ago. I'm rather excited about it.
Not that it seems like that much better of an opportunity, but I'm ready to move onto something else.
Even if its 100% lateral.

For some reason, while I'm not too worried whether I get that job or not I am extremely nervous for some reason.
Maybe its because I haven't had any big changes in my life within the past year or two.
Maybe its because it seems like a big company, and big companies I find to be rather intimidating.
Maybe its because I'll land somewhere else and it'll be a grass is greener scenario and I wish I were back where I am now.
All I know is I have no problem working harder if it means more cash in my pocket or less stress at the end of the day.

Anyway I'm gonna go and call that woman back now, wish me luck.

Yawn - Thanksgiving weekend 09

Rounding out a 5 day weekend, cuz brooke and I called in today.

We did nothing but nap, eat, hang out with the dog, and watch movies.
Both today and the 4 days prior (we drank a shload of beer during that time).

Beer:
We also held our second annual Bizzle Awesome Beer Extravaganza.
Great times all around and a lot of good beers were had.
The lesson I'm learning it to not just pick up any beer that is a style I like.
SOOOOOOO many beers I've had over the past few days that were simply malty sourness due to being to old.
One of my favorites that I had was from Avery called Dugana. 93 IBUS of awesomeness.
Thats probably one of the only ones I had never heard of before that I'd try again.

I've realized I don't dig Belgians very much and basically IPAs, stouts, american pale ales, and porters are all I really like.
Its not that other styles are bad necessarily, I'm just spoiled and know what I like.

Movies:
We watched a fucking ton of movies this lazy long weekend.
Funny People was probably the stand out of those movies. While the name would suggest its a comedy, it is not.
It has some funny parts (because its about comedians), but definitely not a comedy.
Its extremely intense pretty much through the whole thing and Adam Sandler was fucking great in it.
I won't say anymore because I don't want to ruin it.

Food:
Brooke and I rocked the crock pot 3 times throughout our time off.
Chicken soup - brooke made
Beef Stew - brooke made
Chili - I mostly made, was way too spicy and thin but still pretty good.
All complete wins in my books.

Dog:
Marshall is feeling better from his second surgery for his mast cell tumors. We cleaned up his scabs and we found what we think is another tumor =(.
I'm hoping not but it does look like the previous ones have. Worst part is its on the bottom of his chin so I have no idea how the vet will be able to get the margins she needs to.
Either way he's happy right now so we'll deal with that when we need to. For now he's been hopping around like a kangaroo all day and he's happy.
Can't say I blame him, he's spoiled as hell. He gets to sleep in our bed everyday, gets loved up like crazy, and got a 3 egg omelet with dog treats yesterday.

Other stuffs:
We had a very long band practice on Saturday, Matt brought over his Triple Rec and the tour Titan Cerberus on Sunday, and I also made a new band name workbook.
No one seems to like the shits I put together, but I'm fine with that. As long as their minds get moving and we get a dialogue started.
We'll see how that one goes.
Anyway its almost 11 and I think I'm gonna try to good to bed.

Goodnight.

First Blog Ever.

I have been considering making a blog for sometime now and finally decided to go through with it.

I used to write about shit all the time in my notebooks and it was rather therapeutic and I hope this will serve the same purpose.

Topics will include things I do, don't do, haven't done, have done, will do, won't do, things I've thought about, things I'm thinking about, things I plan on thinking about, but it will not include things I don't, haven't, and won't think about.

So yeah probably lots of BS about my biatch, my dog, my beer, my band, my friends, music, and just other shit like that.

Rather boring, but documentation is a good thing.